It is 2:00 in the afternoon on the second to last Saturday of the first full month of spring, and I am ready to change my life. January came and went without any big resolutions or life goals, and the new school year, which always feels like a fresh start, is still months away. I am a 41-year-old mother of four little boys. Back-to-back pregnancies and late-night breastfeeding sessions have left me with a weak pelvic floor and 85 pounds of unwanted fat that makes it hard for me to feel like anything other than a beached whale. My husband of 10 years, who is a good man and devoted father, is dealing with his own insecurities and mental health struggles, and although unintentional, his actions have left me feeling betrayed and undesirable. We have credit card debt for the first time in our lives which is a huge burden to my frugal husband, and we are also navigating the frustrations and challenges of raising a disabled child in our country’s broken health care system. I am stressed and overwhelmed, and at times, unhappy and just plain miserable. Well-meaning people say, “You are dealing with a lot.” Yes, I am, but so is much of the rest of the world, and many people are still able to thrive under pressure.
What is wrong with me? How do I get out of survival mode? Why do my struggles feel so big? Why don’t I feel fully alive when I have so much for which to be grateful? My 30-year-old self, who was so focused on creating a beautiful future for her hypothetical family, would cringe at the state of affairs in her home and her body right now. I just want to be happy. I just want to feel beautiful and loved. I want to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit. I want to feel seen and appreciated by my friends and family. I want to make loved ones feel seen and heard instead of focusing on my own insecurities in every interaction. I want to know God and feel loved by Him. I want to raise well-adjusted, curious, passionate children who make the world a better place.
So many times, I have tried and failed to lose weight or create better habits in my home and life. It isn’t a lack of discipline or desire. I have logged millions of steps and hours of intense exercise in my lifetime. I have read hundreds of self-help books. No, I don’t think this has anything to do with discipline. I think it has everything to do with my negative mindset. Not content to make slow changes, I rush into everything full steam ahead. Why would I start week one of a workout program when I could work three times harder by starting at week eight? Why would I ease into a new routine with the children gently when I could write out an ideal schedule for them in one of my many planners? Why is perfection the only acceptable outcome in every area of my life?
Today I am going to change my life. Scratch that, today I am going to take a baby step toward leading a happier, more fulfilled life.
First baby step: Skip the 40-minute HIIT workout and replace it with a 15-minute pelvic floor routine and Jillian Michael’s 20-minute Beginner’s Shred video. I am going to breathe deeply, stretch slowly, lift lightly, and thank God for this body that has carried four beautiful babies to term.